I write about a lot of different things on this blog. Most of the time, I try to draw attention to issues I feel are important, or I talk about the progress I’ve made in my own life, or I try to teach y’all something about (dis)Ability that you may not have known about before.
Advocate & Educate… that’s usually the goal.
But the other day, after my most recent post, a friend of mine sent me a message that really shocked me. They said, “It’s amazing that you’ve gone through so much, and still manage to keep it all together all the time.”
I was baffled.
I don’t know what gave them the idea that I have it all together all the time (or at all), and I don’t know if other people read my blog and have that same thought. Maybe when I write, I seem like I have things figured out, but the truth is – get ready for it – I don’t.
Do I try to keep it together? To stay calm and composed, to use healthy coping strategies, to maintain a positive outlook, etc.? Of course I do! I strive for that!
But guess what!
Some. Days. Suck.
That’s the only way to say it. Some days just suck, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t get past that. Some days, I’ll try and have a conversation with someone, and it won’t go as planned, and I’ll say to myself, “damn it, I’m such an idiot. I can’t believe I messed that up, I can’t do anything right.” Some days I’ll get a bad grade and think, “I’m so stupid, how did I even get into University?”
I’m always my own worst critic, but some days? Jeez, some days I find myself wanting to cut, or starve myself, or just drop dead.
Some days, I lose control.
Because some days suck – and yes, some of those days are mine. I’m so unbelievably imperfect, and I do not have it all figured out. Hell, I’m not even close to having it all figured out.
Living with anxiety and depression means that no matter how much progress I make, no matter how many steps forward I take, there’s always the chance of a relapse. There’s always the potential for me to fall back into old habits and patterns, to let the self-loathing creep into my mind, to look in the mirror and see my worst nightmare.
I start a conversation, and as soon as I send the first message, I’m instantly filled with regret and self-loathing, for no reason at all. I put on an outfit, and I do my makeup, and then I want to throw up when I look in the mirror. I make bad choices, I make mistakes, I handle things poorly.
I do not have it all figured out all the time.But what I do know… what I’ve learned?
Some days suck, and that’s okay. It’s okay to have bad days, it’s okay to relapse, it’s okay to fall into bad habits, or old patterns… it’s okay.
It happens and you are allowed to feel all of that pain, and grief, and anger. You’re allowed to be depressed, and anxious, and frustrated at yourself, and at the world. Because all of those feelings are valid, and letting yourself feel those things, allowing yourself to be vulnerable… that’s important.
It’s important to acknowledge that some days suck.
But it’s also important to remember that you don’t.
You may feel like you do sometimes… I feel that way, too. But you’re amazing, and you’re strong, and you’re loved. I promise.
– Stephanie, ECC